What I'd Tell Mini Me
Posted by Renaissance | Posted on 5:58 PM
So 'til she's here
And she's declared
The heir
I will prepare
A blueprint for you to print
A map for you to get back
A guide for your eyes
And so you won't lose scent
I'll make a stink for you to think
I ink these verses full of prose
So you won't get conned out of two cent
My last will and testament I leave my heir
– Jay -Z, "Beach Chair"
"What five things would you tell your daughter about men?"
The question was directed at one of the guys in the car. I listened while they basically said "no letters, no numbers." Word to Belle. There were also comments about pics and videos and how they are never really being for his eyes only. Eventually they got around to sharing how a man should treat a woman and what they would do if their future daughters dated guys like them. I tuned in and out. My eyes were on the road and I was singing something ratchet, but I still heard a few gems.
"Ladies, what would you tell your daughters about men and sex?"
I didn't want to engage. We were driving from Brooklyn to Harlem trying to take shelter from Hurricane Irene. I needed to focus on the road and convos like these always had my mind going. It would take way more focus to join the convo than it was taking for me to rap along with Waka and them. "Umm, I don't know. I guess it depends on where she is," I offered noting that men are different in different regions. My response was rejected.
"Ladies, what would you tell your daughters about men and sex?"
I didn't want to engage. We were driving from Brooklyn to Harlem trying to take shelter from Hurricane Irene. I needed to focus on the road and convos like these always had my mind going. It would take way more focus to join the convo than it was taking for me to rap along with Waka and them. "Umm, I don't know. I guess it depends on where she is," I offered noting that men are different in different regions. My response was rejected.
A list of things went through my head but I couldn't manage to rattle off a bullet list. Every time I was close to saying something, I realized that I didn't really want to pass that info to my kid. Yeah, it might protect her for a while, but it'd likely damage her in the long run. I wouldn't want my daughter spending years trying to undo the "wisdom" I instilled in her.
"I'm not trying to hand down my baggage. I'd hate for my daughter to be this guarded."
Too heavy of a response?
See, I've received a lot of advice and I'm pretty sure that folks shared their knowledge with good intentions. But now that I'm older, I feel like they gave me their burdens to carry. Burdens that are hard to unload.
The question was on my brain the next day and the next. I still don't have a list. I still don't really know, but I think I would teach my daughter the following:
That she must start with love and knowledge of self.
I'd teach her early on that while being vulnerable might get you hurt, it's the only way you can ever have true love.
I'd tell her that love is an action. And that being in or having love does not make you weak.
I'd tell her that trusting does not make her stupid and that having faith does not make her naive.
The question was on my brain the next day and the next. I still don't have a list. I still don't really know, but I think I would teach my daughter the following:
That she must start with love and knowledge of self.
I'd teach her early on that while being vulnerable might get you hurt, it's the only way you can ever have true love.
I'd tell her that love is an action. And that being in or having love does not make you weak.
I'd tell her that trusting does not make her stupid and that having faith does not make her naive.
Instead of way to avoid being hurt, I'd teach my daughter how to process and embrace it. I'd urge her to look for the lesson in everything.
That some things are not about her. And while she should respect her partner's process, she shouldn't compromise her own. Que sera sera will be learned early on.
That some things are not about her. And while she should respect her partner's process, she shouldn't compromise her own. Que sera sera will be learned early on.
I'd teach her the value of intimacy. And along with my mother's wisdom "don't confuse good sex and love," I'd also tell her that being detached and "f**king like a man" is not the same as being empowered and sexually free.
I wouldn't hype her up on the idea of Prince Charming. But I wouldn't pump her with fear talking about the scarcity of good men.
I'd teach her to value character over resumes and the importance of patience.
And I'd tell her that everyone's views are colored by their experiences, mine included, and that she should filter accordingly.
I'd teach her to value character over resumes and the importance of patience.
And I'd tell her that everyone's views are colored by their experiences, mine included, and that she should filter accordingly.
This is a very good question. Although it is a difficult one and like you I don't know right off hand what to say. I will say I think what you have stated are great things to instill in your daughter. They also have to be continuously instilled throughout her life. As it's taken us years to get them. Great start! :-)
everything you noted is pretty much the only advice you can give anyone. we're passed down so much baggage that we spend most of our childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood (and for some the rest of their lives) trying to love ourselves and figure out the real lessons for our own lives and not the lessons from our parents or guardians.
Beautifully written Dot! I think too often people shoot from the hip with "wisdom," rather than practicing love and mindfulness. Do you want your child to be jaded or enchanted by the world? Sure there is a hella negative shit, but life is more about how we respond to situations than the situations themselves. If you approach the situation with loads of other people's wisdom, you won't be open to the experience itself. I hope to raise my children to approach the world with love, and cultivate wisdom as they traverse the disappointments that come with loving in a sometimes ugly world.
I really hope I don't create my child to be a mini-me, but rather give them the love and confidence to have their own lens.
I would tell my daughter everything you just listed. This was great knowledge. I would add to the list that a man is not the only place to find love. I’m not talking about leading her to being gay. I’m saying that life has so many ways to show us love. Example: When you think of a song you like, and it comes on the radio like two seconds later. Life has so many ways to love us. She should appreciate that and not get so caught up in the number of men that admire her or she will miss out on so much.
I think where people get caught up though is that they view teaching and wisdom as isolated moments. In reality, your child is learning from you all the time. So if you lead your life in a heavy fatalistic sort of way (re: men, love, life, etc), then that's what your child will take on
regardless of what you imparted during select "teaching moments."
So in reality, in order to allow your child to live and love better, you have to do that as well. You have to lead by example.
WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!