Building Friendship Without the Friend Zone
Posted by Renaissance | Posted on 6:52 PM
"You have a lot of really good guy friends. Ever think you'll just end up with one of them," my girl asked.
"Nope," I replied.
It's a question I get often. Lately, I've been thinking about why I'm able to have great relationships with guys that I'm not attracted to/interested in, but have so much trouble building with the ones I really like. The more "really"s, the harder it is to build.
Turns out I build with friends without fear. I'm completely open. They know the real me. I'm not concerned with how things will be interpreted, there are no "relationship rules" that I'm supposed to memorize even though they will be rewritten. No matter how many homies do me shady or fade into the distance, I never take that into the next friendship. I'm not analyzing every action or non action to determined if I'm being played. I give and nurture without worry that I'm doing too much.
My friendships flow. There's no tension. There's no anxiety.
I present all of me and if our friendship thrives in that authentic space, awesome. If it doesn't, oh well, no hard feelings.
If only the same were true for my dating life. I either don't care or over think. Ultimately deading the flow.
The most frustrating thing about the difference between how I interact with friends and how I interact with lovers, is that I know I'll never be able to commit to anything serious unless my lover is my friend.
Right now I'm trying to navigate building a true friendship with someone I'm interested in without pushing everything into the friend zone. My first thought is that it's going to take a lot more communicating than I'm used to. That makes me uneasy. But I'm not sure there are any other options.
Wow I was having this conversation with a friend of mine today! Is it possible to start over with a guy you have "dated" and become friends and then go from there? I'm attempting that but I'm not sure if it is!
It is truly difficult to end up good friend relationship just like that.
Sample Emails
Anonymous: I think it would be a good idea to start over with a guy you've dated. What better way to love someone than from a foundation of friendship. I do my best to hold my "reallys" to the same standards that I hold my best girlfriends. It helps me check myself and the expectations that I place upon relationships. My friendships with my girlfriends are easy and swift, and when they are bumpy, we talk about it like two humans who want things to work out. I approach my reallys with this in mind and all has worked out well. (Meaning, I have either become closer to them or found out they only wanted the panties and had to let 'em go. Begin shaking of the head).