Talks and Ultimatums

Posted by Renaissance | Posted on 7:39 PM

A number of my friends have had "the talk" recently. In every case it was the woman who brought of the conversation. "What are we" and "where is this going" are supposed to be clarity questions, but a lot of times they just feel like ultimatums.

Just after seeing the headline "What do when she wants a commitment," I had a conversation with My Boy about "the talk." I went on a rant about power dynamics, being the first person to put anything out there, and getting played. Every reason I gave for never in my life initiating "the talk" was about ego. I knew there was something more to why I felt so strongly about not initiating, but I didn't have the words. I wasn't really concerned with gender roles and the idea that a man should initiate commitment if he really wants to be with you. I wasn't tripping off the advice that I receive often: Be with a man who loves you more than you love him. But something other than my ego, which surely plays a part, leads me to believe that I'll never initiate a conversation that leads to an ultimatum.

I figured that writing would help me discover that "something." This is what I came up with:

There are some things I can’t bring myself to do
I won’t give you an ultimatum
I’d rather leave 

I know too many men who “gave in”
I don’t want to be the girl who finally got you
Who plotted and planned and finally convinced you

I’d hate for you to watch me sleep
And wonder if I’ll ever take the hint
Don’t feel obligated to make this something it isn’t

Please do not settle for me
I wouldn’t do it for you

Protect your happy

My being “a good woman”
Isn’t reason enough to make it work

I’m grown
I can handle moments of heartbreak
I prefer them over false lives
And aching spirits

You should be here
Because you genuinely want to be
Because you’re inspired
Because you’re moved 

We’re too old to go with people
Life is too precious to invest in seat fillers

Be here because you want to be here
Not because I convinced you this is where you ought to be

Comments (3)

Anonymous

Amazing my sista. I identify with your words. Ironically, I do have ”checkpoint” conversations but not in an effort to make him commit, but rather in fairness so he fully understands why I have already decided to leave in hopes that he can learn something and maybe apply it with the next woman. Toodles!

Posted on: December 19, 2011 10:24 PM

Thanks! I try to be clear about where I am in my process, what I want, and where I'm headed so my bouncing isn't random. If someone doesn't fit, that's fine. Can't force anything. Seasons and timing are very real. Happiness is key.

Posted on: December 20, 2011 7:11 AM

snaps fingers and lights sage.

Posted on: January 2, 2012 9:55 AM

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